Self Portrait pt.1

i am scatterbrain

and uncontrolled

collected in a messy kindof way

my legs aint always shaved

and my finger nails are rarely painted

(my childhood grim and tainted)

sometimes i have sad eyes

and a furious brow

a quick tongue 

but a daunting smile

i stand created 

from an assortment of complex memories

and establishment after experience

i myself am incorporated 

and i got business

Purpose of divine favor

my hands and lips 

sometimes be horrified

to dance in the breath of my own existence 

i often question what life is

and wonder where mine is 

i've lost it

reclaimed and disclosed my truth

sometimes there's a cry in my chest 

that i can't quite get out

sometimes i lie and contradict myself

i am a hypocrite 

and perfectly flawed 

sometimes i admire the unworthily flawless

and desire to live that life

more often than so i'm petrified 

and hidden behind the living 

folded between the lines

my hips round and large

so i'm often out the margin 

or bleeding through the paper

or sometimes just too messy to read

Ever live for years without breathing?
(i feel like i just exhaled)

sometimes i feel brutish 

and allow myself to gloat in pity

often i look to outward lives 

to catalyze my outward movement 

sometimes i feel lovely

and admire my coat of skin

too often i question myself from within

and wonder where times been

and where it's goin'

and who be knowin'

(and how much of my life was sin?)

consistently i live in uncertainty 

dwell too heavily in my own thoughts

and confuse perception with reality 

we all be

confusions of an unreal past

living towards a fabricated future

denying the moment of now

too far removed from the present
ceasing to seize the moment 

every second a different prospected memory 

every memory 

a different perspective of the past

sometimes i be scatterbrain

every thought more conflicting than the last one
actions abruptly premeditated 

I asked God to reveal me to myself
he told me to let go of my past 

and to stop anticipating the future
live aware of the present moment 

to breathe as though i've been delivered 

Winter time blues.

Inspiration: This cold ass pre winter day in October
Word: Winter

I hate winter time
it reminds me of those sad ass days
when the cold only made shit worse-
and iced over sidewalks
with blood turned brown
and the residue of dirty caution tape

I hate winter time
and late packed ass Chicago buses
and the dry frozen salt on the back of hearses 
and tryin' to keep warm on the train

I hate winter time
cause it reminds me of legs slippin'
and bodies dippin'
and hot burning tear drops frozen over
from mother

I hate
the winter time
and cold black ashy hands
wanting for dinner
and for closure

I hate winter time
cause it feels like that good luck shit
that don't exist
den ran dry
and it's ice blue gray skies
make it seem like the sun den died

I hate winter
and how time passes slower
hard for the lonely loner

I hate the winter time
cause all I see
is them white pretty families
cuttin' down christmas tress
and broke and broken mamas
tryin' to make holiday
when ends don't meet

I hate the fucking winter time
it reminds me of harsh winds
and the infinite sound of doors closin'
and eviction
and all that other bullshit

I hate winter time
cause it feels like death stings deeper
standing over salted dead-land
and by frozen trees
and that walk back from RUSH still haunts me

I hate winter time
because trees don't seem to hide me
and snow tracks tell where to come fine me

and I hate January
because the start of a new year
redundantly brings back
memories kissed with neglect grief
and death

and I'm forever wantin' you to come back-

to fall,
when the September Sun
danced in your brown eyes
and your color changing body was only limp
but still patiently holdin' on

So I hate the winter
and how every year it only gets colder
and I'm further away from you in time

Divided Life

Inspiration: This book I'm reading about Henrietta Lacks
Word: Torn

I feel like another part of my life
has been torn from my heart
and my soul be diluted
and flat like cooled hot water
I feel like I've been stretched open
and cut unwilling
like Henrietta

I feel like my tears be endless,
I shed the Sahara

Sometimes I get lost in daydreams
to cultivate new dreams

I can only hope that my torn lives
multiply, like heres did
and love for something
better? Like here ded

I thought I was empty once
that empty felt much better

My pit of black be lonesome
but it shines more vividly
than daybreak suns

My cave is etched with pillars
of heartbreak and isolation

The walls painted heavy
with over thought confusion

The floor burns bright
and catalyzes compulsive upsetting thoughts

I call this place calm

I sit neatly placed at my desk
quieter than that sick silence
so my ears ring of deafening screams
and unprint worthy violence

My hands be numbed
no longer strong enough to lace
just cuff

They be fulfillin' their mission for us
I've been thought down
into an unfair fore-sought destiny

Mothers had more of a dream for me
my torn lives be slabbed on
petri dishes or profited on
by the lawless lords

I wonder if they'll see the moon
or distill into the air
chocking the breathe of dead land
or if they'll revolutionize a society
be noteworthily uncredited
to the hearts that they were torn from

I wonder what might become
of we
I wonder if we might multiply
rather than divide
I wonder if we might reclaim
our torn lives

You Promised Me

Inspiration: In light of all the current foolery of the world.
Word: Promise

I feel lighter than money

cool, im sippin' it

                                         ----the cool say

I dreamed a dream of cool passion

and moon sent 

delivered in deliverance

I heal through membrance

"We couldn't see the stars

so we threw up our own" he said

Now we got our own

killin' our own- I read

Books explain why the crooks

be crooks

and why my people's smiles stay

crook

ed

We be hooked-in

the imagery of

the broke-in

that's that reality tv shit

fuckin' with our perception

got us thinkin' real is

a cold bed of

wanders tryin' to find a found dream

hell

haunted on the backs of open legs

and hands throwin' up

callin' oneself supreme

uncommonly common is the new theme

Frank Ocean said it was a one man's cause

so he must not fuck with that one man's laws

And I be scorn again

be that angry black woman

because I can't become

the remedy, of a broken reality

that shit dead

What if I shot the sheriff

for all the misbled blood

and hung him high

enough to see

dead little girl's panties

danglin' on trees

and bodies being broke open

by aimless cylinders ablaze

led by lost thoughts

trailed by troubled haze

and mother's hearts falling

quicker than running teardrops

while their worries run faster

tryin' to make way

And who said Sodom and Gomorrah

was all that damn bad

I much rather live amongst free love

than the land of the dead

And aint that where we is

with all this self-denying finger pointing

hatred?

We be sippin' on that maddening world-

What she say?

"I don't hear [shit] but maddening screams

and the soft strains of death..."

You promised me

a freedom

postto insure some blessing of liberty

said if I agree I'd be insured domestic tranquility

the best lie was the promotion of general welfare

because the lawless lawmakers

don't care

thus I've created a new promise

deviated from a blood country's platform norm

aint no need to confirm or follow

my promise aint ratified by the heartless or hollow

merely a claim for my stolen dignity

So, fuck a promise

I'll claim my own free

Movies

Inspiration: My favorite movies.
Word: Watch

I want to watch Drumline
and Save the Last Dance
sing along with the Temptations
and shout with the Five Heartbeats
I wanna do the washer machine with Selena
and hoop with Monica
I want to fall in love With The King
and be dazzled like Anna
I want to be marveled by the life of Billie
Sing a little blues too
I'd love to ride the bleak with Juno
and get lifted with Craig and Smokey
I wanna have a walk on beaches
and see the garden of Edward
I'd love to get bad with my bads
and Set it Off
then cry a little bit with Doughboy
I want to hurt with my Sister's Keeper
and be romanced by Love Jones
I want to feel classic hip hop
and beautiful in Brown Sugar
and be troubled by 13
I wanna live that thug lyfe
in Claudine
and Wait to Exhale
I wanna eat spaghetti
toppled with syrup
and find the meaning of family
with Elf
I want to learn the backstroke
and swim good in Pride
I wanna love Jenny like Forrest
and run myself to Freedom
I wanna dance dirty and
come out of my corner
I want to find where my broken is
and make it into A funny Story

Bud

Inspiration: And old friend
Word: Acknowledge

For a while now, I've wanted to write a poem to you,
not a thank you, but an acknowledgment.

I allow you to move me
similarly I use you
I look to you for compassion
honesty
lustful love- still remaining true
I asked you to acknowledge me too
recall our long summers
of warm baths
and morning stories
I love our morning glory
and how the wine sinks down deeper
when I'm riding you
We be, the three of, cool together
The thick warmth of Moscato
with the dry heat from you
sizzle me like I'm dancing the Rumba
or a Jazz Ballet on pointed toes
I love when I giggle
release openly
You're an old friend
I normally trust you
but I can never really give you my heart
nor give myself to you,
or give into you
allow you to abuse me,
too.
I will always be buck enough to conquer you
I won't get lost like the hopeless do
and confused
and look to you for life.

You're simply the reflection
of my sunshine
the afterglow
of my moonlight.

Bittersweet Poetry

Inspiration: A friend of mine who is a beautiful writer wrote an essay that brought up some old memories.

Word: Bittersweet 

I feel like I have stains on my cheeks

from where tears lay faithfully

Where they dream swim and breathe-

I drank bittersweet wine

twisted into rhymes rained down on moleskins.

My pen goes in. 

I’m writing about you again.

I’m sittin’ at home without you again.

But you where never here though-

That was just a miss-recalled memory

Caused by you haunting me-

I want you to hurt me,

Cut me wide op-en deep-ah

Bittersweet poetry

It’s the most emerging emergency

I’ve lost my head for you

Been lost in you-

Sometimes I scream out openly

In public with folks around

Sometimes I bang at my head in my sleep

Sometimes, there is no sleep.

Sometimes, you are my sleep.

Sometime, we should sleep

Together.

Arm in arm, head

On one pillow.

This can no longer happen now

That thought was before I took you

Took your breath

Made you dead-

See If only

you were out of my head

If only

I could get you out of my head.

I couldn’t kill the thought

so I took my heart instead-

Now I stare like lady Macbeth

And wish away blood stained

Hands

That only wanted to be laced with your

Hands

So openly I have no regret.

And ultimately there can’t be a me

Without you

So willingly-

I take my life too.