Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Unwanted Place

Inspiration: This a piece I previously wrote, Its really personal
Word: Hurt 

On June 17th 2010
My body...lay...... numb
(I don't know how else to explain it)
At approximately 9:23 p.m.
I lay motionless
heart banging
head racing
eyes    dried 
Battling with my pride, I reached for the phone 
forced the joints in my hand to move
and dialed
1800 784 2433.
the hot line for, well I'm embarrassed to say, but suicide 
The phone to my ear stung like a sharp whip from mama's belt
every ring was so boisterous it reminded me of those thunder storms that were loud enough to make you think God was having a full on battle with the devil
As the ringer thumped in my ear my vision began to blur as tears overtook my eyes
being put on hold for to long I hung up
My body began to surge with enough unhappiness to make the most content man in the world want to jump
but instead I clinched my fist and forced my racing mind to settle upon one thought
What person, what thing, what in life had brought me to this unwanted place?
as I closed my eyes, images of my life began to play of memories that left the heaviest burdens on my heart
was I here
because the first boy I ever crushed on, took one look at me
and called me fat
or was it because of that time my mothers eyes looked at me and burned disgust on my forehead 
or maybe it was it that vile teacher who forced me to feel inadequate 
no…no it had to be when my cousin severed apart my seven year old legs
wait maybe it was because every time I broke my back, lost my breath, and fought to open doors for others
they double locked them and put on their alarms when they saw me commin' 

I don't know what particular event led me there but what I do know is that every painful event has one thing in common-
but that not being enough for me I made myself ask what in these scarred memories caused me to feel hurt
where did my hurt come from

As months passed after my episode it came to me
If you cuff your hands together and reach into the far depths of my soul
you'll find where my hurt comes from
Once you ponder upon my hurt in your hands 
you'll see that it is a reflection of you...
all of you
who refused to love me
you who I supported when I could only stand on one leg
yet you let me fall like leafs in the fall, but faster
you who turned a frigid shoulder toward me 
when I merrily asked you for a four letter word
(no-not that four letter word)
which was the result of misplaced love from young blood thirsting family members 
but genuine exclusive love 
The kind of love that makes you feel wanted, in a good way
or the kind of love that makes your body feel toasty on the frostiest day of the year
The kind of love that makes you feel important in a world built to make the poor man seem worthless 
The kind of love so sweet, that it has to be a reflection of God

Me yearning for your love,
made me not love myself, 
which hurt me enough to bring me 
to that unwanted place 


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